He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.