im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.