i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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