i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
