Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
