You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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