she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
