I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
