i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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