I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
