im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
