I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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