I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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