They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
