She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
