How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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