I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
