Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
