I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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