I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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