You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
