i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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