Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
