my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
