New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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