If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
