It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
