I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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