So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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