I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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