I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
