i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
