you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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