Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
