I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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