She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
