All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize