I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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