M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
