Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
