An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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