i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
