I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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