I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
