it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
