You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
