when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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