good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
