Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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