Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
