hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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