Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
