worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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