My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
