I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
