return my video game
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
