First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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