about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
