He kissed a someone with a penis
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
