My liver just broke up with me...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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